Reclaiming Your Time: Tips for Handling a Conversation Hogger

You’ve been looking forward to this conversation with your colleagues to share ideas about a topic of great mutual interest. Naturally, you’re expecting a little give and take. Instead, someone hijacks the conversation, clearly in love with the sound of their own voice to the exclusion of all others. By the end of the “conversation,” you’ve barely had a chance to get a word in edgewise.

Sound familiar? There’s a name for this type of egocentric behavior. It’s called “conversational narcissism,” where the offending person seemingly has no clue (either that, or they simply don’t care) that others have tuned them out as they wait in vain for a chance to speak.

This behavior seems to be endemic in a world where we spend more and more time communicating asynchronously, whether via text, voice notes, email, social channels, Slack, etc. Because we use so many different communication channels, many of us confuse communication with real connection. We’ve gotten used to speaking without stopping. When we interact in real time, whether in person or remotely, we forget how to pause naturally to allow others to comment or speak.

In a recent Guardian article, Anita Chaudhuri describes the five common (and most frustrating!) kind of conversational hoggers, along with tips for fighting back to reclaim your time. Her article inspired me to write my own. You can access her full article in the links section.

🗣 The Serial Monologuist

We all know that person who never takes a breath to pause, apparently assuming that everyone else is as enamored of their voice as they are.

One tip: Try time-boxing them. Tell yourself you are going to give the person your full attention for a limited time, say five minutes, or 10, if you can stand it. Forget about getting a word in during this time. Allowing the other person to feel fully heard may help them to settle down a bit.

When the time is up, if they’re still not through, try redirecting the conversation without completely shutting them down. This will mean you’ll need to interrupt, saying something like, “‘Sorry to jump in here. That’s really interesting, and it reminds me of …” and then share something from your own experience, invite someone else to do the same, or change the topic.

This strategy works on two levels. It lets someone else speak, and it’s a reminder that each of us is responsible for maintaining a two-way conversation, rather than seething like a helpless bystander, or simply tuning out of the conversation altogether.

😫 The Trauma Dumper

The trauma dumper loves to overshare with no boundaries and no thought for how it might land with others. Maybe they’re recounting in exquisite detail a recent argument with their soon-to-be-ex spouse or sharing the verbatim dialogue from a feedback session that went awry.

First, ask yourself why this dynamic is really bothering you. Are you feeling used? Is this wasting your time? What do you want from the relationship, if anything? I have a close friend who tends to contact me whenever she’s feeling depressed, which inevitably saps my energy and brings me down. After I found myself becoming short with her during her many crisis calls, I finally summoned up the courage to tell her that I’d also like to hear from her when something good happened. What I didn’t say was that I have my own crises from time to time, which she’d never know about, because she uses almost all of our air time venting to me.

👆 The Boomerasker

“Boomerasking “ is posing a question for the sole purpose of inviting yourself to talk next. It’s usually a performative question that you’re not really interested in getting an answer to, just so you can answer it yourself. There are three types of boomerasks.

The first is the ask-brag, where the person has something exciting to share. Examples: “How was your weekend?”’ Or, “How is your kid’s college search going?” These questions are often a ruse to allow that person to boast about their amazing weekend or the fact that their kid got accepted into three Ivies and counting.

Then there’s the ask-complaint, which gives the person permission to share their travails after pretending to listen to your response. For example, they might ask how your holiday was, and as you start to answer, they regale with a long-winded story about how their uncle got drunk (again!), the conversation turned political, and the turkey was undercooked.

The ask-share is where the other person asks your opinion of something just so they can give you theirs. They listen to speak, rather than listening to learn. For example, a colleague recently asked what I thought was behind the recent organizational changes, As I started to reply, she jumped in to share her opinion, which was clearly well-rehearsed .

In all three cases, the perceived sincerity of the question hooks people in. Not only can it make others feel boring or inferior in comparison, but it can also feel manipulative.

Many boomeraskers believe they’re being helpful and inclusive. Even if their question may feel superficial, their interest in communicating with you may be heartfelt. That’s worth something. Asking a “mirror question” can help take the sting out of the exchange. Example: If the other person asks about your weekend, respond briefly before asking them about their weekend. This way, you’re not wasting your energy on someone who isn’t really interested in your response. This tactic won’t necessarily shut the boomerasker down, but if you feel more in control, you may find them less annoying.

✋The Interrupter

Many interrupters may mean well, which can make them difficult to confront. For example, a new manager was relaying a recent scenario where they inadvertently caused an employee to break down in tears. Their colleague repeatedly jumped in to offer unsolicited advice (much like my daughters accuse me of doing). Turns out, the new manager just wanted someone to listen, rather than seeking advice. The constant interruptions felt jarring and condescending.

How you handle an interrupter depends on your relationship. Some people want to cut to the case, so they may be offering ideas as a way of wrapping up the conversation. Or they may be keen to give you the benefit of their wisdom. Either way, it may feel disrespectful and jarring to the other person.

If it’s a one-on-one situation, you can say something like, “I appreciate your advice, but I haven’t finished my story,” or “I just need you to listen right now.” In a group setting, the interrupter may be easier to handle, especially if it’s happening to someone else. If you see this happening, jump in to say something like: “Wait, they’re telling a story and haven’t finished. Let’s let them finish before sharing our thoughts.”

🐻 The Care Bear

The care bear’s idea of small talk is a soliloquy sharing their latest passion project, whether it’s campaigning against AI datacenters, election interference or the suppression of free speech.

A recent example: My neighbor recently asked whether I’d checked my voter registration status. As I began to reply, she began proudly describing her many efforts to get the vote out, including door knocking, phone calling and postcard writing. Not only did this make me feel like I’m a slacker, but I probably offended her when my eyed glazed over and slowly started heading to the nearest exit. I nodded politely and let her know that I shared her concerns, and then moved onto another subject before she could share yet more details.

We all know people who take over the conversation without letting go. Some are well-intended, some are clueless, and some may well be narcissists. How and when we shift the conversation depends on which type of conversation hogger we’re dealing with. But shift the conversation we must, if we don’t want to walk away feeling angry, frustrated and short-changed.