I just returned from Norway and Iceland, two destinations I’ve always dreamt about. Apart from stunning scenery, warm and generous people, a deep regard for our planet and the sky-high prices and lower temperatures, I noticed something else: People seem genuinely happy, healthy, energetic and vibrant.
And this sense of apparent well-being cut across all ages, demographics, occupations and income levels. What I also noticed: I saw very few cell phones out in cafes, in restaurants, in boats, on walks and even when queuing up. People were connecting, conversing, smiling and laughing. A lot.
Back here in the U.S., I observed something starkly different: a prevailing sense of disconnection and disaffection. People peck at their cell phones as they sit across from each other instead of making eye contact and speaking. Smiles are fewer and out-loud laughter is relatively rare. Many of the conversations that do take place convey anxiety, fear, sadness and anger. Much of this is understandable given the state of our country right now. But I think it’s more than that.
Our portable devices have made it easy to create our own cocoons that serve as a protective barrier, effectively cutting us off from people or ideas outside of our own orbit. People seem more inwardly focused and less curious. The growing disparity between our hopes and dreams and our current realities have led us to feel less optimistic and more resigned. People are reluctant to initiate honest conversations because it just doesn’t feel safe.
This sense of disconnection and disengagement seems to be showing up everywhere – at work, with our friends, in our communities and around the dinner table. It’s what’s not being said that makes it so hard to re-engage and connect. That’s why it’s incumbent upon leaders to create a team culture where people are comfortable sharing how they’re feeling and what they’re thinking so they can find ways to reconnect and re-engage.
The ideas I share here are applicable to all kinds of leaders: Managers, community leaders, family members, faith leaders, committee and board members, and more.
Release the pressure valve
❇️ Allocate time at the start of the conversation by surfacing a topic that you suspect might be causing the most stress, fear, anger or uncertainty. In the workplace, it might be recent or rumored layoffs or the widespread roll-out of AI. At home, it might be financial insecurity caused by the loss of a job, housing, health insurance or social safety nets. Within communities, many are concerned about the sanctity of our upcoming elections, skyrocketing prices, or the effects of our rapidly changing climate.
❇️ Take your best guess about what’s lying just beneath the surface and start by making a statement, asking for validation. Example: “Our recent layoffs must have come as a shock, and some of you might wonder who’s next. Is anyone else feeling this way?” Pause for a moment, and if no one responds, share your own feelings. (“I’m concerned too, and I wish I had a crystal ball to see what’s ahead for all of us. I will share whatever I can find out.”) Showing vulnerability can be the best way to get people talking.
❇️ If you still haven’t managed to elicit a response, you can either move on to the planned conversation or ask another question: “What else do you think others might want to talk about before we begin today?” This phrasing allows people to distance themselves from a question they might feel awkward about owning up to.
❇️ Realistically, you won’t be able to spend an indefinite amount of time here, so let people know how much time you’ve set aside for this conversation before you need to dive into the business at hand. Let people know how you plan to continue the conversation (if warranted), either during your next planned team or 1:1 meeting, a specially scheduled meeting, or perhaps by using an asynchronous conversation area.
Let in the light
❇️ Inject a more hopeful, optimistic or light-hearted tone when appropriate. This may require a deft and sensitive transition, especially if the prior conversation was tense or emotional.
❇️ You might ask a question like: What are you most hopeful about? If you had a magic wand, what would be your greatest wish for this organization/group/community? What kind of support (or connection) would be most helpful to you right now? Where do you draw the most energy?
❇️ These kinds of questions can be posed at the start, close or during a conversation, especially if people have been reticent to speak and the energy is low.
❇️ Creative activities can be a great morale booster or energy lifter. In one strategic planning workshop I led, I asked people to choose a few small rocks from around the table and grab a few acrylic markers to paint something that reflected their new roles, while sharing their self-care routines out loud. Not only did this lift spirits, but it inspired everyone with much-needed ideas for self-care.
❇️ You might also consider a light-hearted activity to help form or strengthen connections. For example, I created an activity for a government team facing imminent layoffs, using an exaggerated real-life scenario. I asked them to “MacGyver” a solution using just five items from an imaginary backpack containing more than 20 items. They worked in pairs to list their five items and share their rationale with the group, with bonus points for illustrations. This exercise took only about 45 minutes, and we had lots of laughs.
Grab your own oxygen mask first
❇️ Before you can realistically expect to help people create connections and lift up those around you, you need to muster up some positive energy to play this role successfully. I am not suggesting that you exhibit some kind of “toxic positivity” that others will see as inauthentic, but I am suggesting that you demonstrate a confident vibe that helps draw people in.
❇️ Before your conversation, try a physical activity to release the opiates in your brain and stimulate oxygen levels. You might also go for a more a meditative approach, centering yourself in silence with no distractions.
❇️ Prepare a few notes, but avoid scripting your conversation to allow for spontaneity and a more fluid conversation. If you’re in person, wear something that makes you feel like you. If you’re remote, consider ditching the fake background in favor of showing a glimpse into your real world.
Above all, give yourself some grace. You can’t expect all conversations to be open, energizing, refreshing or inspirational. But any conversation that helps to surface what’s not being said will help create connections that would otherwise be missed.
Links
Downloadable resources from Guided Insights:
Best icebreakers for remote meetings – Downloadable PDF
Brainstorming across borders – Downloadable tip sheet
Past Communiques:
Creating, Restoring Lost Connections in a Hybrid World
Create a Sense of Community with Questions That Connect
Restoring Lost Connections in a Virtual World
Waffles vs. Spaghetti – Connecting Through Stories
How to Help Remote Colleagues Feel Less Lonely and More Connected
Worth a Thousand Words: Connecting Teams Through Imagery and Metaphor
External links:
Manal Sayid, President and Principal Consultant, is a constant source of inspiration and illumination. One of her recent newsletters inspired me to write this edition. Connect with her on LinkedIn, where she shares her wisdom and curiosity every day. Check out her website and consider signing up for her excellent newsletter.
The Friendship Recession: The Lost Art of Connecting — The Leadership & Happiness Laboratory – Harvard Business Review
How Strategic Connection Enhances Employee Retention And Engagement – Forbes
Why Connection Restores Humanity in the Workplace | Psychology Today
Social Connections in the Workplace – Wendy C. Birmingham, Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Raphael M. Herr, Abigail Barth, 2024 – Sage Journals
