Becky, a long-time friend, was frustrated by a heated conversation with a relative about the state of our nation’s economy. She declared that she’s “done” with him. For good. “We’ll never change each other’s minds, so why bother?”
Steve, a colleague of mine, vented his anger about a prospective client who ghosted him after he spent days responding to a request for proposal. He’d heard nothing for weeks, despite multiple emails asking about the status. “I’m done begging,” he told me. “I’m writing that guy off and moving on.”
One of my clients, Dana, confided that no matter how hard she tried to please her boss, he had recently started to criticize her every move. When I suggested that she sit down with him for a candid conversation, she replied: “Are you kidding me?! That’s a sure way to be put on a Performance Improvement Plan. We talk a lot about the importance of psychological safety around here, but it’s pretty much 100% B.S.”
So why would you bother to have conversations that may seem like a waste of time and energy? Why discuss issues that you suspect you may never agree on? For starters, both of you may gain insights that might have been missed forever had you not initiated this conversation. You might also open the door, even just the slightest crack, to achieve mutual understanding, if not agreement on at least some things. And who knows? You might actually come up with a shared solution about an issue you both care about.
When you feel that your values are too misaligned to continue a discussion
To my friend Becky who swears she’s writing off her relative over a disagreement about the direction of our country, I agree that it’s unlikely they will change each other’s minds, but it might be possible to find some common ground.
For example, she might start by acknowledging that while they have differences, she believes they might find some common ground, starting with issues that many people are likely to agree on. Examples: “Can we agree that all people deserve to have access to sufficient food…or safe housing…affordable health care…or free and reasonable education, etc.?”) Gaining agreement on the importance of just one issue could lead the way to exploring possible solutions together.
Let’s say they both agree on the need for all families to have sufficient food. Becky might then ask her relative which policies (or politicians) he thinks are doing the most to achieve this goal, or what has to be done by whom to make this goal a reality. This kind of gentle probing can open the way to a mutually-enlightening, respectful discussion that makes it possible to sit across from each other at family dinners once again.
When you are tempted to ghost someone who’s ghosted you
To my colleague Steve who wanted to call it quits after his prospective client ghosted him after spending hours submitting a requested proposal, I say it’s worth a try to re-engage, even if it may never lead to future work.
For example, he might try following up in few weeks to see how (or if) the project is moving forward. It might be that no one was hired yet because the funds were cut or unexpected bureaucracy got in the way of securing the necessary approvals. Or it could be that they simply awarded the project to someone else. In that case, I’d like to see Steve to ask about the criteria for awarding the project, so he’ll learn for next time.
Given how much time and effort Steve invested in presenting his proposal, I’d encourage him to try to get something in return for his effort, even if it’s simply a warm contact for possible future work or a door that’s kept open to making new connections.
When you’re afraid to have a candid discussion with your boss (or client)
To Dana, my client who’s reluctant to have a frank discussion with her boss about the critical observations he’s been offering lately, I’d say that the upside may be far greater than the possible downside.
Once she has her manager’s full attention, Dana might open the conversation by saying something like, “You used to compliment my work frequently, and you’d take the time to steer me in the right direction whenever I was off-course. In the last couple of weeks, I’m sensing a shift. I’ve mostly heard critical observations, without any of your usual ideas about how to improve. As a result, I am suddenly feeling like I can’t do anything right, which has taken a real hit on my confidence. Am I reading this right?”
By stating her perceptions and feelings about the dynamics between them and inviting him to offer his perspectives, she’s opening the door for a thoughtful exchange. It might be that he thinks she’s reading it wrong, or it could be that he hadn’t consciously realized that he’s been unhappy with the quality of her work lately. Either way, she’s paved the way for a mutually respectful conversation that can help both of them play a role in improving her effectiveness, if in fact her quality of work has been an issue.
The benefits almost always outweigh the risks, if you’re prepared
Next time you wonder why you should bother engaging in a conversation that you suspect might be futile, consider the possible outcomes. Ask yourself what you might gain by opening (or re-opening) up a tough conversation (e.g. mutual understanding, shared learning, a stronger relationship, or the chances of landing a new client). Then ask yourself what you stand to lose if it doesn’t go as you’d hoped (e.g. your pride, the possibility of a more fractured or tenuous relationship, or a frayed client connection).
Chances are, with some thoughtful preparation, a sense of humility, a willingness to be vulnerable and open to hearing and learning from all sides, the upsides will almost always far outweigh the risks.
Links
Resources from Guided Insights:
Tips for Reclaiming Conversations – downloadable PDF tipsheet
Facilitating Safe Conversations When Viewpoints Collide
Why Conversations Sometimes Feel Impossible and How to Bring Them Back
How the Four Principles of Healthy Conversations Can Bring Virtual Teams Back To Life
How Inclusion and Integrity Foster More Productive Conversations, Reduce Bias in a Virtual World
Bridging the Divide: Building Win-Win Solutions in Tough Times
External resources:
Braver Angels – a volunteer organization leading the nation’s largest cross-partisan, volunteer-led movement to bridge the partisan divide and strengthen our democratic republic.
How to have constructive conversations on difficult topics | BPS
Preparing for Contentious Conversations – Cornwall Leadership Institute
How to Have Difficult Conversations | Berkeley Exec Ed
How to Have Difficult Conversations Without Burning Bridges – Harvard Business Review
4 Things to Do Before a Tough Conversation – Harvard Business Review
Words and Phrases to Avoid in a Difficult Conversation – Harvard Business Review
